the green horns of jealousy.....
*i've told myself many times... that as time goes on, it's natural that my sisters will be luckier than me...
*but it doesn't change the fact that it's still as hard to swallow.
*i've also told myself that i'm never going to be a bitch and spoil their chances either, cos they mean the life to me... but like i said... it still doesn't make things easier.
*i've experienced it myself first-hand.. when my stepmum wouldn't let me have certain stuff my dad wanted to get for me... just because she wasn't fortunate enough to have it during her time...
*so far, i've been really cool about it. i even encouraged my mum to buy branded clothings for my sisters. a privillege i didn't grow up with.
*many ppl think they know me... actually they don't. they don't know that prior to my dad remarrying my stepmum, i lived with my grandma. my clothes were from the pasar pagi outside my grandma's shop. granted, i had all the fluffy, itchy dresses from relatives... but yeah, it doesn't make me love my childhood with my extended family less. in fact, it opened my eyes, and kept me grounded because i know there's a different world out there... something my sisters won't ever know.
*i got my cd walkman player on my 15th birthday, in conjuction with my PMR results. my dad's theory was to never spoil his kids. we had to prove ourselves. i did.
*my sister got her cd walkman player when she was 9. it was the newest model off the shelf in japan. i don't recall what the ocassion was.. it was just.
*i did it again in form 5.. when i finally did well enough to earn myself my first handphone, whereas my peers had it when they were in form 4
*sister got her 1st SIM card this year, she's 12
*other sister got a mp3 player... when she was 9 also...
*nope, i didn't complain. i just shut up and caged up that ugly green beast.
*i wanted a game boy since i was 8. i didn't push it cos i know it's a option, not a nesscessity. ironically, i finally got a pink game boy when i was 16 and admitted for almost 2 weeks in pantai hospital. i gave it to my sisters within a day.
*i got my ipod mini cos i helped my dad recover some substantial amount of cash from pieces of papers [which turned out to be first-issued singaporean shares] my grandpa had lying around. it was no mean feat, several weeks of shifting nothing but tons and tons of paper.
*last year... i had the worst birthday of my life. i couldn't go home. i got my ipod video. that's why, sometimes i look at these gifts as signs that remind me of what i've given up and tolerated over the years.
*today? my sister's birthday. she's going to singapore on friday. australia with the rest of my family next week. and my dad said she can have an ipod. she's 12.
*i wrote all these down because i'll never ever say this to my siblings. i'm sorry too if you now think i'm a spoilt brat. perhaps i'm cos, i'm pretty sure there are sadder stories than mine.
*i just have to keep reminding myself that i'm already far much luckier than many other people in the world.
*i'm lucky to have my dad as my dad. i wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. cos he's my world. i love you dad. thank you for everything you've done for me. [although sometimes i know i may feel like a burden in your new life]
*i'm also thankful to have such a great extended family. they were always there for me. and in their eyes, i always come first. i love you guys so much.
*not forgetting, yesterday it was my favourite aunt's birthday. unfortunately, god decided he needed her more than we did. she succumbed to the effects of cancer drugs almost two years ago. that's the second time cancer has taken someone i loved away from me. therefore, it is also my life mission and dream to come up with a cure for cancer. so that nobody else have to go through what i did.
*it's funny what your mind can do to protect you. although it has been almost 2 years, my aunt's death has never really sunk in. i received a reminder last week, telling me it's her birthday on the 10th.
*yesterday, i spent the better part of the day asking myself whether the funeral really took place. in my mind, no. in reality, yes.
*my finals are in 2 weeks. i haven't studied. i know why. i'm not ready to leave my family. i know i'm being silly. but i'm afraid of what i might miss during my period of absence. i'm also afraid my siblings will no longer love me the way they do now.
*god, help me.
*just for the record, i hope my sister gets her ipod.
*i've told myself many times... that as time goes on, it's natural that my sisters will be luckier than me...
*but it doesn't change the fact that it's still as hard to swallow.
*i've also told myself that i'm never going to be a bitch and spoil their chances either, cos they mean the life to me... but like i said... it still doesn't make things easier.
*i've experienced it myself first-hand.. when my stepmum wouldn't let me have certain stuff my dad wanted to get for me... just because she wasn't fortunate enough to have it during her time...
*so far, i've been really cool about it. i even encouraged my mum to buy branded clothings for my sisters. a privillege i didn't grow up with.
*many ppl think they know me... actually they don't. they don't know that prior to my dad remarrying my stepmum, i lived with my grandma. my clothes were from the pasar pagi outside my grandma's shop. granted, i had all the fluffy, itchy dresses from relatives... but yeah, it doesn't make me love my childhood with my extended family less. in fact, it opened my eyes, and kept me grounded because i know there's a different world out there... something my sisters won't ever know.
*i got my cd walkman player on my 15th birthday, in conjuction with my PMR results. my dad's theory was to never spoil his kids. we had to prove ourselves. i did.
*my sister got her cd walkman player when she was 9. it was the newest model off the shelf in japan. i don't recall what the ocassion was.. it was just.
*i did it again in form 5.. when i finally did well enough to earn myself my first handphone, whereas my peers had it when they were in form 4
*sister got her 1st SIM card this year, she's 12
*other sister got a mp3 player... when she was 9 also...
*nope, i didn't complain. i just shut up and caged up that ugly green beast.
*i wanted a game boy since i was 8. i didn't push it cos i know it's a option, not a nesscessity. ironically, i finally got a pink game boy when i was 16 and admitted for almost 2 weeks in pantai hospital. i gave it to my sisters within a day.
*i got my ipod mini cos i helped my dad recover some substantial amount of cash from pieces of papers [which turned out to be first-issued singaporean shares] my grandpa had lying around. it was no mean feat, several weeks of shifting nothing but tons and tons of paper.
*last year... i had the worst birthday of my life. i couldn't go home. i got my ipod video. that's why, sometimes i look at these gifts as signs that remind me of what i've given up and tolerated over the years.
*today? my sister's birthday. she's going to singapore on friday. australia with the rest of my family next week. and my dad said she can have an ipod. she's 12.
*i wrote all these down because i'll never ever say this to my siblings. i'm sorry too if you now think i'm a spoilt brat. perhaps i'm cos, i'm pretty sure there are sadder stories than mine.
*i just have to keep reminding myself that i'm already far much luckier than many other people in the world.
*i'm lucky to have my dad as my dad. i wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. cos he's my world. i love you dad. thank you for everything you've done for me. [although sometimes i know i may feel like a burden in your new life]
*i'm also thankful to have such a great extended family. they were always there for me. and in their eyes, i always come first. i love you guys so much.
*not forgetting, yesterday it was my favourite aunt's birthday. unfortunately, god decided he needed her more than we did. she succumbed to the effects of cancer drugs almost two years ago. that's the second time cancer has taken someone i loved away from me. therefore, it is also my life mission and dream to come up with a cure for cancer. so that nobody else have to go through what i did.
*it's funny what your mind can do to protect you. although it has been almost 2 years, my aunt's death has never really sunk in. i received a reminder last week, telling me it's her birthday on the 10th.
*yesterday, i spent the better part of the day asking myself whether the funeral really took place. in my mind, no. in reality, yes.
*my finals are in 2 weeks. i haven't studied. i know why. i'm not ready to leave my family. i know i'm being silly. but i'm afraid of what i might miss during my period of absence. i'm also afraid my siblings will no longer love me the way they do now.
*god, help me.
*just for the record, i hope my sister gets her ipod.
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