RanT-a-LinK

it's now 9.22pm and i say i feel a tad better. At the time above.. man i felt like crap. And i may have scared/scarred Maarish....

it's been building up for a couple of days/week [or why not my whole life?] and suddenly it just burst open. As you may have noticed, my previous post until this point have been fairly mild, colourful and even cheerful most of the time. But today.. i just can't do it.

My friends from back home 'll most prob understand my issues/history with my step-mum. And maybe most of them remember the pivotal moment when i literally saw my life flash before me.

My finals start on the 5th... and so does my nightmare. I know my emotional state has never been very stable... i become depressed at certain times of the year.

1) Mother's Day
2) My birthday
3) When I'm stressed out

I had a really frightening nightmare yesterday. It was raining really heavily, even the electricity, buildings and communication were wiped out. In my dream, I couldn't get a signal on my phone. I tried calling leonie, but couldn't get through. I tried calling my dad too, and i couldn't get him also.

Hours later, leo smsed me back. God, was i relieved. But still, i couldn't reach my dad. I was in a real panic. I was in my grandfather's house in B.P.... I waited and waited. It was getting dark... there were so many people around but i still felt like i was in an isolated bubble not really knowing what i was doing or what was happening. All i could think of was reaching my dad and then everything 'll be alright and nothing else mattered.

I walked into the house... and i see my mum's picture i keep tacked on my shelf falling.. i fear it is a bad omen...

I woke up suddenly.... confused and my heart was beating uncontrollably. It was raining. Really heavily. It was dark. I switched on the light. And what i saw made my heart jump. My mum's photo had really fallen. It was on my laptop instead. I was really afraid now.

I did not want to worry my dad; i was worried about him. I smsed him asking him if everything's alright.

He called me back... he was alright. I breathe a sigh of relieve. I was so glad to hear his voice.

He said he's coming up to KLCC with my step-mum to watch GREASE and it'd run pretty late so dun think can come over to visit. I felt a pang in my heart. Elaborating why would only make me feel worse, so we'll skip this part. He then asked whether i'll be back for the weekend. I said no. He said good, I should focus on my finals. And he asked how my finals was. I dunno what happened to my dad, usually he remembers, but i've told him so many times that my finals only begin in june. Suddenly, i feel insignificant and really small... vunerable.. like a 5 year old child.

Then, he proceeded to talking bout buying pounds when the currency drops. And that it would be cheaper if i withdrew cash in pounds when i'm in london.

This was not the conversation i was expecting. Clearly.

I recognize i've many unresolved issues, especially with my step-mum. I'm so sick of people telling me that things will get better after i leave home for uni. but guess what? IT DOESN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As a matter of fact, it gets worse... every single day.

Forgive me dear Lord,
for i cried today eventhough i said i would not.